OnStand : The Sportsman's Watchdog

If you properly respect what you are after, and shoot it cleanly and on the animal’s terrain, if you imprison in your mind all the wonder of the day from sky to smell to breeze to flowers—then you have not merely killed an animal. You have lent immortality to a beast you have killed because you loved him and wanted him forever so that you could always capture the day.

—Robert Ruark, The Old Man and the Boy

Chapter Fourteen

“Floatin’, floatin’, floatin’ down the reever.”

Seems like just the other day I was in this same predicament. Ah, me!

Life is truly the sum total of our adventures. Some of them are great, some not so great, but all of them add up to what we are. And what I are, is a decoy without a home.

I’ve been drifting along for what seems like forever. I’m lonesome as can be. I’ve seen lots of spreads in front of lots of blinds, but I’ve just stayed in the middle of the river and drifted right on by.

It’s pretty clever of me how I can control where I drift. If I lean a little to the left, I head left, a little to the right, and I turn right. Kind of fun. It also helps with some of the trees that hang out over the water. I can get around them pretty easily.

I would guess it’s been a month since I was set loose. The current seems to be slowing down just a bit and the distance between the banks has gotten a lot wider. As a matter of fact, I can just barely make out the left bank. It’s hazy and shadowy. The right bank is clear as a bell. Kind of like politics, from what I’ve heard.

Looks like a dead end up ahead. Can’t be. Hmmm? This is interesting. The current just caught me from the side and turned me south. I get it. I just came into another river and, wow, is it ever big. It must be half a mile wide. I guess I’ll go along for the ride. Like I have a choice?

Speaking of rides, I can’t believe the size of that boat, er ship. There’s two of them hooked together. They’re wide and long and riding low in the water. And do they ever leave a wake. Look out! Now that’s what I call a wave. I believe I’ll do a little body surfin’. Let’s see, if I lean into that wake I can just go like a shot. Kinda like those California dudes I saw on the Big Guy’s television. That’s fun and I’m really making good time. I wonder what that’ll get me? Probably into trouble.

There’s another huge river coming into this one from the west. It’s really carrying some dirt in it and it sure kicked up the speed of the current. I wish I could figure out how to go upstream. I’d like to see what’s up that river. Just curious, I guess.

I can see a huge city coming up. There are all kinds of new sounds and, boy, is it ever noisy. There are so many different noises; car and truck engines, horns, bells and whistles. And there is one noise that sounds like somebody stepped on a cat’s tail. The air smells. And it smells bad. It seems kind of a shame to spoil the outdoors with noises and foul odors.

I wonder what that big arched thing standing beside the river is? It sure is huge. Up one side and down the other. No apparent reason for it that I can see. And just look at all those big tall buildings. And just imagine how many people there must be in them. Come on current, don’t fail me now. The only thing I want out of this is out.

Chapter Fifteen

Whew! What a relief. I didn’t think I was ever going to get past that city. All that noise! And all those people! I’m just glad I escaped intact. Some of those boats don’t know much about yielding the right of way. I came awfully close to getting turned into kindling.

But, I’m back out in the country now, where I belong. I’m seeing a few decoy spreads along the way and a lot of ducks and geese. Fall migration is in full swing. There are still quite a few leaves on the trees here and they sure are pretty. The reds and golds are the most brilliant hues I have ever seen. I do love this time of year.

I’m going to get over next to the bank for a while and maybe I’ll pull into the mouth of one of those creeks and just hole up for a day or two. I’m kind of tired of drifting along. I just wish they had cut the cord off up closer to my chest, instead of just cutting off the anchor. I’ve got a lot of cord drifting along behind me. I’ll have to be careful when I get in close so it doesn’t get caught in a tree root or an old snag. I’d sure hate to spend the rest of my days tied to a tree in this river.

That’s better. I just slid into a nice quiet backwater. I can relax.

I caught a wake from one of those big boats as it went by and it sent me up this creek without a paddle. It is nice and peaceful in here and I think I’ll just spend a couple of days relaxing and getting my head on straight. OK, that’s a figure of speech, I didn’t get my head turned or my neck broke. I just feels that way. I really do feel dirty but I really can’t tip over without an anchor and some current. A good washing off would be nice as that water downstream from the city isn’t the purest I ever floated in. People!

“Kerack! Kerack! Kerack!” Whoa Nellie! That noise will wake you up. It sounds like a shotgun but not quite. It was a lot sharper sound but it must have been a gun. There’s a guy walking along the edge of the creek up ahead. Nope, that’s not a shotgun. “Kerack!” He just pulled up and shot at something and, strange as it sounds, he was shooting on the level, not up in the air. There goes a deer! That must be what he was shooting. At! He must have missed because that ol’ buck disappeared over that fallen tree on a dead run. He was moving as fast as ol’ Fifty the day the “dead goose” came back to life and pecked her on the butt when she was sleeping outside the blind.

I’m going to snuggle in here real close to the bank where I can hide. I don’t want some deer hunter to find me. I’d rather be on my own and take my chances. The Big Guy said that deer hunters only get out once a year and their hunt sometimes only lasts a few minutes, and I doubt if they’d have any use for a goose decoy. No telling what might happen to me if he found me. Tomorrow morning I’m heading back down to the big river and see where it takes me.

• * *

Huh! I must have been sleeping. I never know for sure about that because of these stupid eyes. I don’t have any eyelids to close so I’m never sure if I sleep or not. At any rate, I was just startled by a terrific noise up on the bank. It sounded like someone smacking an oak tree with a baseball bat. I’m going to drift out a little ways so I can see up over the edge.

Oh my! There are two of those buck deer. And are they ever big. And do they ever have big antlers. They’re pawing the ground and snorting at each other. “Kerash!” Holy shit! They just smashed their antlers into each other! “Kerash!” They did it again. Now they’re standing there with their legs braced and their backs bowed, snorting at each other and grinding their antlers together. What a battle this is. “Kerash!!” There they go again. It’s hard for me to believe what I’m watching. I’ve never seen anything like this before.

The steam is pouring off of both of them and steam is coming out of their noses in big clouds every time they breathe. There they go at it again. That one with a shade of gray around his muzzle got the best of that skirmish. He backed the other one right off the bank and into the creek. Now they’re having a stare down.

I think the fight must be over. The big ol’ boy up on the bank just looked over his shoulder and I just noticed that there are three doe standing in the timber behind him. I think I’m getting a clearer picture of what this is all about.

The one in the creek is still staring up at ol’ Gray nose. He must not be able to decide if he wants to quit or keep fighting. I guess he’s quitting because he just dipped his head down and took a big drink and now he’s coming down the creek towards me.

Hey! Back off, Jack! Keep those sharp things out of my face. And out from under me, too. Ohhh Myyyy!

He just flipped me back over his head and I landed about twenty feet upstream and here he comes again, shaking his head and splashing water everywhere. Knock it off! Quit it! Noooooo!”

Oh, my God! My anchor cord is tangled in his antlers and I’m setting right on top of his head! Oof!, Ow! Qu..qu…quit sh sh sh shaking your head! I’m all hung up and now I’m wedged between two of those tall antler tines.

He, I mean we, are heading up into the timber on a dead ass run. I hope he doesn’t smack head first into a tree. And I sure hope he doesn’t get into another fight.

Whee! We just jumped a fence. Now, that’s what I call a ride. That was exciting. We’re heading across a big meadow on a run. I think we’re heading for another patch of timber. “Kerack! Kerack!” Oh, Lord! Somebody’s shooting at us. This ol’ buck just put it in road gear and we’re hauling butt across to the timber.

Whew! We made it! We stopped just after we got into the trees and he’s looking back. There they are. Two hunters. They’re heading over this way. Hey, we better run for it! C’mon boy! C’mon! Let’s get out of here!

We’re not in much of a hurry. I think I’d be running. Running fast. But, he’s just picking his way through the trees. He stops and lowers he head and looks back every step. I caught a glimpse of those two hunters last time but we were froze tight and never moved and they couldn’t see us. The hunters are walking along that dry creek looking for tracks and they sure are noisy. We’ve moved off to one side and turned back towards where we started. We’re moving a lot slower than they are, but, we’re always angling a little away and back behind them.

I’ll be darned. We’re right back where we started from! I can still hear the hunters moving around down in the bottom. We just went into a big patch of grapevine and laid down. I mean laid down flat on the ground. He laid his head on the ground and he’s staring out through the bottom of the vines. Pretty darn sneaky!

Those two hunters just walked within twenty yards of us. Walked right by. I could hear them talking about us, “Jeff, I’m not kidding! He was huge! I know I must have been seeing things but, I swear, by God swear! that there was a goose decoy in his antlers. Dammit, quit laughing! I know it couldn’t have been a goose decoy, but there was something up there. I imagine that ol’ buck is in the next county by now, the way he was moving. I wonder how far they run before they stop to rest?”

If they only knew!

We laid there till dark and now we’re moving west. We’ve crossed a couple of roads and we just missed getting hit by a car. The noise of those brakes squealing sent shivers up my back. I thought we were goners for sure. That was way too close for comfort. I wonder if the driver saw me. He was plenty close enough. Can you imagine the stories? Nobody will ever believe those hunters or the car driver. “Right, George. You saw a monster whitetail buck with a goose riding in his antlers. Yeah! Right! Was he being followed by a Jackalope?”

I can see three doe laying over in that stand of trees. This ol’ buck is sure showing off for them. He’s pawing the ground and snorting up a storm. I’ve noticed that he really doesn’t smell very good but the doe don’t seem to mind. They aren’t exactly friendly, but they aren’t really unfriendly, either. They just keep trotting off every time he gets close to them. If he’d keep his nose where it belongs, they might be friendlier.

I think that fight he was in with that big ol’ boy must have wore him out. We’ve seen several other bucks but he doesn’t seem interested in fighting any more. They paw, snort, and charge at him and he just ignores them and keeps heading west.

I haven’t seen any level ground since we left the river bottom. We crossed another big highway yesterday morning. There were trucks and cars going in both directions, and he stood back on the edge watching for a long time and then he just broke and ran. It was pretty exciting, I’ll tell you, until we made it to the other side. I think he’s been heading for this big timber country all the time. Big trees and big hills and no roads or fields. Just trees.

I know he doesn’t like having me up here. Every so often he attacks a bush or small tree and gives me one heck of a massage. So far I’m still in one piece.

Oh how I wish I was back on the river. If I’d have just moved out that night instead of waiting for morning I wouldn’t be in this predicament. Yeah, and if frogs had wings, their butts wouldn’t bump the ground. Oof! He just banged me into a big branch. He really is tried of me being up here. I think I might have come unwedged a little and now he’s attacking a big ol’ bush.

Whoa! I just flew off over his back.

Uumph! That was a rough landing. I think I lost a chunk out of my tail when I hit a rock and now I’ve rolled up here and lodged against a big oak tree. The big ol’ buck came trotting over here, gave me a sniff, and turned around, flipped his tail, and off he went. Seems I’m always getting left behind.

Thanks for the lift, ol’ buddy. Good luck!