OnStand : The Sportsman's Watchdog

If you properly respect what you are after, and shoot it cleanly and on the animal’s terrain, if you imprison in your mind all the wonder of the day from sky to smell to breeze to flowers—then you have not merely killed an animal. You have lent immortality to a beast you have killed because you loved him and wanted him forever so that you could always capture the day.

—Robert Ruark, The Old Man and the Boy

Chapter Ten

But…Ma was wrong!

Dead wrong!

Oh, boy! Was she ever wrong!

“Keerash! Dinnnnnnnnngggggg!!”

“A God Damned bunch of skybusters!!!” The Big Guy shouted as he slammed the phone down. “Just what we need down there for neighbors! He actually told me to mind my own business and that they put that blind up there on the high bank so they’d be closer to high flying birds! Can you believe that?! He actually said that!”

I think you get the message. Unfortunately the Big Guy had them pegged right from the start. He’s standing there, with his hand on that phone, and I can see his shoulders shaking.

Here comes Ma, and she’s got two cans of beer. “Now you just listen to me Mister. You’re lucky Mike is over at the neighbors or you’d be in it a lot deeper than you are. You’re going to sit down with me and have a beer, and then you’re going to take Mike down and work on that blind, and get ready for opening day tomorrow. He’s looked forward to this since January, maybe even more than you have, and you just have to give it a go. If nothing else, you’ll be able to show him how not to hunt.”

Mike just came in the door and asked, “Well, Dad, are we going to haul the decoys out to the blind?”

The Big Guy flashed Ma a big smile, and said, “You bet Mike. We’re taking the dekes out, and we’ll do a bunch of brushing up on the old blind and we’ll be all set for tomorrow. I’ll even let you practice your calling without yelling at you. Grab Lucky off the shelf and let’s do it.”

Mike took me off the shelf and out the door we’re going. He walked right to the pickup and he’s putting me in the front seat. Now that’s some pretty special treatment. But, I guess I’m worth it.

“Herink! Herank! Herooonk!” Maybe I’d rather be riding in the back with the rest of the decoys. Mike blew that thing all spring, and he’s getting pretty darn good, but, blowing it inside this pickup really makes my head hurt.

Nothing personal, Mike, but even with all your practice… you’ll never sound like the Real McCoy! As much as I have disliked those long, dark nights in the blind… I think a little peace and quiet will be a refreshing change!!

I haven’t heard anything from downstream since they brought me out here yesterday. Maybe the skybusters won’t even show up. But, today is the big day, The Opener! Happy New Year Everyone!!

I did hear a lot of ducks flying over yesterday afternoon, and one flock of geese off in the distance. It’s been pretty bluebirdy so there probably aren’t many birds in yet, but opening morning is opening morning and I’m pumped. It’s just great to be out of the house and back in the outdoors. Ah! I just heard a pickup door slam. All right! The time has come to do battle.

“Mornin’ fellas. Today’s the day and Dad and I got here early so we can get you all set and be ready for that first flock at first light. Come on Lucky, I’ve got just the spot for you.” The kid is really learning. He’s got a lot firmer grip this year and he must have grown a foot and gained twenty pounds.

He’s graduated to hip boots this year, too. The Big Guy just told him, “Mike, your tall enough now but you have to be really careful and if you ever go over them, you holler out and then work yourself baclwards towards the bank.” I noticed that Mike is carrying a wading stick this morning. That’s a good deal.

These early fall hunts are great. The water’s still not too cold on my tail feathers and the weather is nice. And sometimes we get lucky. We had a real howler through on Monday and it might have brought some birds down from the north.

The sun is just starting to peek over the horizon, and it’s bright red, not a cloud in the sky. It’s gonna be a bluebird day for sure. The only activity, if there is any, is gonna be in the next little bit. “Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!” They just hit their calls. I must have missed something. Yep. Here comes a pair of Mallard drakes right up the channel. They’re gonna suck right in. Letting the air out, legs just dropping down, cupped wings….

“KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!”

“SPLASH!’’

“Nice shootin’ Dad! I flat missed the other one. Yours isn’t dead, you better finish him off! He’s heading for that reed bed!” Mike exclaimed.

“Relax Mike.” the Big Guy said. “Fifty’ll get him. That drake is hit good and it’ll be fun watching Fifty work. He needs the exercise. Get him Fifty, fetch him up girl.”

That dog hit the water at fifty miles per. She sprayed water clear out here over me. That’s going to be a long swim, the drake is almost to the other bank. Oh Oh! He dived, but, wow, look at Fifty go. She dived clear under the water after that drake and sure enough came up with him. She’ll hit the bank about three hundred yards downstream by the time she gets back across. She earned her keep and got her exercise with that retrieve.

“Good girl, Fifty! That was a pretty retrieve. Come on girl, let’s get back to the blind. We got more comin’. Dad!! Geese!” Mike said as he ran back to the blind. He’d seen the white spots coming down the river at us. It looks like a bunch of snow geese to me.

I’ll bet they don’t even slow down when they get here. They are pretty and, man, are they ever noisy, but they aren’t very decoyable. At least not to this spread. Right church, wrong pew. Same page, but a different book. The boys are sure talking to them, but, as predicted, they aren’t missing a wing beat, or turning a head to look.

What the hell is all that noise?!! All that banging and somebody’s hollering. Oh! It’s the new neighbors. Here it is an hour after sunup and they are just getting here. They’re throwing decoys out every which way and yelling at each other to hurry. The Big Guy is gonna get mad. Probably steamin’ mad. I sure hope he keeps his cool since Mike is with him.

“Son, I think we might as well pick up right now. Those jerks just spooked a flock of teal that were heading this way and I hate to think of what those guys might pull next. Maybe if we just leave it to them they’ll get discouraged quicker. They sure aren’t going to pull any birds in with that spread and with all the noise they’re making. No sense in us doing their work for them. Hold it, keep down! Here comes another flock of snows. Let’s see what happens.”

Chapter Eleven

Well folks, what’s happening isn’t good. The Big Guy and Mike are keeping their heads down and watching. The snows are about ninety yards up, and, sure enough, those jerks are coming up and skybusting them. The best part of it is that it doesn’t look like they crippled any. They’re shooting at least twenty yards behind them. They’re just laughing like crazy and swearing up and down that they took feathers out of ‘em.

The Big Guy sat a long time without saying anything. Just taking big deep breaths and scowling. Finally, he said, “Come on son. Let’s pick up and go home. I don’t even feel safe here anymore. I’ll get the dekes downstream and you get the ones up above. I don’t want you any closer to those bastards than we are right now.”

The Big Guy is glaring at them the whole time he’s picking up decoys. He’s said not a word. They’re waving and just hollered, “Good Morning” at him but he’s just wrapping decoy cords and setting the spread on the bank.

They piled us all back in the blind and went home. I’m sitting up on top of the pile, as usual, but, my head is sticking out. It’s kind of nice being able to see the world go by, but, this is a bad situation. A very bad situation. I just hope it doesn’t get any worse but, I’m afraid it will.

“KA-BOOM!”

Whap! Ouch! What the hell was that! I’ve been shot! You gotta be kiddin’ me! Those idiots just shot into the blind and it came through the side and one piece of shot hit me right in the chest. Oh my! This is bad. I never heard them do any calling and there was just one shot. I think they just flat shot the blind on purpose. Those guys are morons. I hope the Big Guy is careful tomorrow. It seems he did the right thing today by leaving early.

They haven’t shot the blind again, but I can hear them yelling “Pull!” every once in a while and then they’re shooting two or three times at something. Now that the breeze is just right, I can hear them talking, “Shake that can of beer up good before you throw it, John. That way, when I hit it, it will spray all over the place. Pull!”

“KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!”

“By God this gun doesn’t shoot straight!”

They quit and left about an hour ago. They never did shoot anything. It’s getting close to sundown and at least it’s peaceful. I think I just heard the Big Guy’s pickup pull in. Yep, I can hear him talking, “Tom, I sat up on the hill after Mike and I quit and watched these guys through the binocs. I still don’t believe what I saw and I wanted you to see it, firsthand. Look at that, beer cans all over the sandbar and they didn’t even pick up their decoys. Just got up and left. I know they paid you a pretty good amount for the lease, but I think you’re going to have more trouble with them than it’s worth.”

Tom looked down on the sandbar shaking his head. Then walked on down to our blind, and said, “Lookit here. It looks like they shot right into your blind. By God, that does it! Run me back to the house, would you? Have you got a little time to spare?”

“You bet I do,” said the Big Guy, “what do you have in mind?”

Tom never answered, he just headed back towards the pickup.

About an hour later I could see headlights on the road in back of the other blind and I could hear this “pocketa, pocketa, Pop! Pop! Pop!” I wonder what the heck is going on now?

That’s the Big Guy’s pickup over there and he parked it so the headlights are shining on that blind. Ah ha!. That’s Tom on his ol’ green tractor, and it’s making that “Pop, Pop, Pop!” noise. It must be one of those ol’ Johnny Poppers!

“Here, wrap this cable around the back side of the blind and I’ll hook it up to this chain.” Tom hollered at the Big Guy. “I think once I get it started I can drag it clear out to the gate. You do what you want with their decoys, they won’t ever be back in here.”

“Pop! Pop! Pop! Popopopopopopopopopopopop!” Off Tom went on that old Johnny Popper dragging the blind along behind. I’ll bet by the time he gets to the gate, it ain’t gonna be in very good shape. He told the Big Guy that he was going to pull it just outside the gate and then put a chain and padlock on the gate. That way they have no way to get back down here to the river. That’s fine with me.

The Big Guy is down there in the dark picking up their trash and decoys. He’s even wrapping the cords and fastening the anchors and loading them up in the pickup. I’ll bet he’s going to haul them up to their blind for them. I’da just kept ‘em.

Well, at least that’s the end of that. Slob hunters are a real pain in the , uh, er, uh chest, at least as far as I’m concerned.

Chapter Twelve

The guys are having a dud shoot today. A “no shot” shoot. There are days like that. You just have to pay your dues. They set the spread and they’ve spent the last hour picking up the beer cans and trash that the Big Guy couldn’t see last night.

It’s nice and peaceful down here today. Real peaceful. Too peaceful. I think one flock of mallards flew over about a half mile high. They had to have been on oxygen. Mike spotted them and called hard, but I don’t think they could have even heard him. He’s getting very good with that duck call, and he sure doesn’t need any more practice with his goose call.

They’re sticking it out till sundown. They are a couple of diehards. The Big Guy had quite a talk with Mike today about slob hunters and hunter ethics. “Mike, I’m really glad that Tom reacted the way he did. I’m sure those guys got quite a shock when they pulled up to the gate this morning, but they had a shock coming. Son, it’s no different than taking a test at school or working in the stock room down at the local grocery store. Except for one thing. There’s nobody around to watch what you do when you’re out hunting. You are on your own. You do your best, you do it for yourself, and you always remember that the next guy along shouldn’t be able to tell that you were here.

“We’ve got a real fine spot here on this ol’ Illinois River. We get opportunities to shoot ducks and geese that other folks just dream about. I’d hate to think how many we could kill if we set our minds to it. But, as good as your Ma can cook, we can only eat so many. It’s great to give some away to the neighbors and to Tom because I know they really appreciate receiving them, but, we always have to remember that there will be years when there aren’t so many birds. One way we can help is by shooting drakes whenever possible and another is by only taking what we can use.

“I’ve know people who fill there freezers every year and then when the season starts the next year, they end up throwing out more than they used. That’s just not right.

“Before you started coming along with me, I used to come down here once in a while and set up decoys and not even bring a shotgun along. I would just work the birds and take pictures. Most of the pictures were pretty bad, but some of them were all right. Anyway, it’s a lot of fun seeing how many birds you can get to set down in the dekes. I just never tire of watching them lock up and drop in. It’s still better with the shootpipe comin’ up to your shoulder, smellin’ the burnt powder and eatin’ your Ma’s roast goose, though.

“I reckon that’s about enough sermonizing for one day, but I did want you to realize that this hunting isn’t just about killing,” the Big Guy finished.

Mike sat quietly for a little while and then said, “Dad, I remember that day last year when I shot my first goose, you know, the day we found Lucky. You didn’t shoot because you wanted to watch me shoot my first goose. It didn’t make much sense to me that day, but it does now. Thanks Dad.”

With that, they watched the sun set, picked up the spread, and headed for the home cafe.

This is going to be a fine fine place. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the season. I guess Lucky was a really good choice of names for me.

Chapter Thirteen

Now what! It must be after midnight. The guys have been gone for hours but I just heard a vehicle pull up back behind the willows. And two doors just slammed. I didn’t see any headlights bouncing down the trail which is really strange. Somebody’s coming down the bank with a flashlight.

“Look out you big ape! You’re gonna knock me in the water.” a voice called out. “Aw, get your butt in gear. And don’t flash that light all over the place. Their blind is right over there.” said another voice.

I don’t like the sound of this. I’ve heard those voices before. It’s those downstream jerks and they’re coming over to our blind. They just opened the door and they’re shining that bright light in my eyes.

“We’re gonna teach them a by God, for sure, lesson. Nobody messes with me and gets away with it.” said the one who couldn’t hit the beer can in three tries. “Pull those decoys out of there and hand ‘em to me.” the voice said.

I’m being stolen. Bigger’n goose crap. Help! Help! No, maybe not stolen, what the heck are they doing? Aw! No! Another free floating joy ride coming up? He’s cutting the weights off all the decoys and pitching all of them in the water. My turn!

“Hey Pete! This is a nice wooden goose decoy. Shall we keep it?” El Slobo asks.

“Naw, he’d be too easy to identify. Pitch him in with the rest and let’s get the hell out of here. I wouldn’t want that Big Guy to catch us.”

SPLASH!

You know, I’m really gonna miss those guys!